Sunday, January 21, 2018

Remind me to never take pictures

Lately, I've been on this constant up and down rollercoaster of emotions. My mind has been on constantly without stopping the thoughts and I feel like I have a million thoughts per second. The title to this post comes from the many thoughts that I wish I could verbalize but it's definitely something that I find very selfish of myself. When spending quality time with people and they want to take pictures, I feel an obligation to take pictures even though I know I will hate the pictures in the end.

My insecurities with my body have been on constantly for the past year and into this new year I feel as if the stress from all my thinking is taking a large toll on me mentally. I'm constantly thinking, does this make me look fat? I wonder if everyone else can see all of my rolls as well? Is my working out even worth it? Can people see that I'm trying to get fit?

My fear of judgement and rejection keeps getting more apparent to me as I am trying to fit these thoughts away because I know the thoughs that I have of my own body matter most but I can't help but think to be accepted by society's standards. I feel a need to be the perfect image, the perfect size, the perfect personality. I feel the need to keep carving away at myself until the I have sculpted the perfect me. I know I can never be perfect. But I want to be able to find my perfections in my imperfections. This is very hard for me. My body image really has been crushing the confidence in me and I've been having second thoughts to this fit journey. I know I am capable. I know I can do it. I need my mind to change. That the process will be slow and grueling but worth it in the end.

I can't wait for the day the thought changes to, "remind me to take more pictures."


Saturday, January 13, 2018

You'll know when you know

"You'll know when you know." This is the phrase that absolutely boggles my mind every time some one says it. This is the answer that most couples, that are married or engaged to be married, have given me when I have asked them the question, "how did you know that (he or she) was the one for you?" I like to ask this question because I love to hear the ways people have fallen in love. I love the idea of someone being absolutely head over heels and being in love. The idea of love, the subject of love is one that I have always been so curious about. This curiosity even led me to write a paper back in college about the subject of love and parenting according to the Harry Potter book series by the lovely, JK Rowling. That will be a post all in it of itself if anyone wants to know more about that.

So, back to the subject of this post. The annoyance of the phrase that has titled this post today comes from my seven, almost eight years of single hood and a lot of pondering time. The question that I often ask myself after hearing this answer over and over again is, "what is I don't know when I know?" This makes it all the more confusing. But this is where it gets me excited. I often question myself in knowing when I will know. This comes from many years of self doubt. Often I find that I limit myself because of this doubt, but, that is a big but, it gets me excited still for my future because I know from my own faith, that God will make all things clear to me.

My faith is important in my life as I have witnessed how powerful God is and how amazing he is. He has stayed faithful to me all throughout this 7, 8 year journey of single hood that I know he will make this phrase make sense to me when it is time. Here is a little story that I like to share to explain this.

After getting out of a toxic and abusive relationship during my senior of high school, I was finally free. I was over looking for love in the wrong places with the wrong people. I was done. That same night I remember just talking to God. Telling him exactly what I wanted. I asked him to protect me from any temptations and unplanned relationships. I asked for a cautious heart. My promise to him was I would wait to date until the next person I would end up dating was to become my future husband. This is something that a lot of people are always confused by when I tell this story. A lot of people say that college is a place to meet people and if you don't date in college, you're never going to meet anyone. In this day and age, everything is through the internet. even dating. I noticed that a slew of my peers had found their partners through apps like Coffee Meets bagel, but I have chosen to stay on my path that I have been on with God to wait on his timing. I do admit, out of curiosity, I had downloaded the app I mentioned before, but something in me just kept hesitating to make my profile. I would click the app and just stare at the start profile button just asking myself, "what are you doing, Jane?"  I like to think that that was my own Jiminy Cricket telling me to wait on God.

SO, the point of that story was the justify my reason to being single still. I would love to date and be in a relationship but my timing has not come yet. As so, I will still be thinking how will I know when I know to the answer, you'll know when you know. I know I'll know it for myself soon. It will be at the best, most unexpected time and it will be worth it.


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Introduction to my writing

A way to get my thoughts out of my head and some sort of form, I've decided to share them as stories on this blog. A blog that most people will not know of. A blog that is purely for my short stories and possible novels for the future. A blog for my writing. A blog for my poetry. A blog for my imaginative, deep thoughts. A blog that doesn't comply to grammar and will continuously have errors here and there. A blog that is personal.

Whoever reads this, I hope you enjoy my imagination. I hope you learn something. I hope my thoughts and stories open up your mind and help you delve deeper into your own imaginations. The heart and soul and mind are all connected. And I believe that imagination only dies if you let it. Some people say that adults lose their imaginations because they want to strip away from the childlikeness that imagination gives them. But I like to feed my imagination by using it more and utilizing the power it gives me. It gives me joy and teaches me far more about life than when I am stressing about the realities of the world. The world itself is a crazy place with not enough people enjoying it. So, I choose to find my joy through my imagination.

So, welcome to my world.


Monday, March 14, 2011


My first entry on this blog.
Japan has just been engulfed by the anger of mother nature. It really saddens me to think about all the suffering that is going on around me. Its hurts to know that all I can do is watch from afar and pray. But prayer saves.
Yesterday at church, when the pastor showed this picture:
My heart just broke. The expression of such sadness on the mothers face, holding her child. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. The tragedy that occured on 3/11 is one that should not be forgotten. The people who see this as a punishment upon Japan, You are wrong. This is truly a devastating time for Japan and the world who has witnessed such a sad event.