Remind me to never take pictures

Lately, I've been on this constant up and down rollercoaster of emotions. My mind has been on constantly without stopping the thoughts and I feel like I have a million thoughts per second. The title to this post comes from the many thoughts that I wish I could verbalize but it's definitely something that I find very selfish of myself. When spending quality time with people and they want to take pictures, I feel an obligation to take pictures even though I know I will hate the pictures in the end.

My insecurities with my body have been on constantly for the past year and into this new year I feel as if the stress from all my thinking is taking a large toll on me mentally. I'm constantly thinking, does this make me look fat? I wonder if everyone else can see all of my rolls as well? Is my working out even worth it? Can people see that I'm trying to get fit?

My fear of judgement and rejection keeps getting more apparent to me as I am trying to fit these thoughts away because I know the thoughs that I have of my own body matter most but I can't help but think to be accepted by society's standards. I feel a need to be the perfect image, the perfect size, the perfect personality. I feel the need to keep carving away at myself until the I have sculpted the perfect me. I know I can never be perfect. But I want to be able to find my perfections in my imperfections. This is very hard for me. My body image really has been crushing the confidence in me and I've been having second thoughts to this fit journey. I know I am capable. I know I can do it. I need my mind to change. That the process will be slow and grueling but worth it in the end.

I can't wait for the day the thought changes to, "remind me to take more pictures."

-jane

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